


oh dirk, can i have a word with you?

by cipherfox



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, I regret this already, M/M, i cant believe this is my first published work on ao3 lmao, this was based off a tumblr post I just added characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 14:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8493706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cipherfox/pseuds/cipherfox
Summary: this was based off of http://lesbianahsoka.tumblr.com/tagged/I%20KNEW%20EXACTLY%20WHAT%20U%20MEANT%20hghfhghhhg%20this.%20iconic%20scene this post and i just decided to add characters in and a little characterization and roll with it. all credit goes to glee and to the post above.





	

"Oh, Dirk, can I have a word with you?"

Jane looked at the both of them nervously and said, "Oh, um, I'm gonna go."

Vriska replied without taking her eyes off Dirk, "No, Unibrow, stay."

Dirk looked at Vriska; he was slightly annoyed as she continued, "Dirk. I took what you said to heart, and I thought long and hard about it, and it occurred to me that you may have a point."

At this point he looked sort of questioningly at Jane, and Vriska kept going, "Okay, maybe Terezi and I are too young to get married."

Jane breathed a sigh of relief, but then she added, "I mean, after all, that's why it didn't work out between you and Jake, right?"

Dirk looked off into the distance, light already fading from his eyes like he already realized this dragging was coming as Vriska kept going impassively, "Or maybe, it didn't work out because you're a judgmental little gerontophile with a mouth like a cat's ass. Maybe Jake got tired of hearing your shrill, self-aggrandizing lecture about how you felt the two of you were at the very apex of the gay rights movement every time you so much as cooked macaroni and cheese together," at this point Jane winced and closed her eyes, "or farted."

He was nodding in agreement as Vriska said relentlessly, "Maybe Jake didn't want to be with someone who looks like they just removed their top row of dentures every time they smile, or someone who doesn't dress like an extra out of one of Troll Andy Dick's more elaborate wet dreams. Maybe, Jake grew weary of dating a breathier, more feminine Condesce. Maybe he finally got freaked out by your strange obsession with building robots, that causes you to sulk around junkyards like one of those meowbeasts that can smell cancer."

Jane, at this point, seemed pretty mortified, and looked at Vriska incredulously as Dirk stood, probably seeing his life flash before his eyes as he was dragged to hell and back. Vriska, barely affected, continued, "Maybe, he got tired, watching you drape yourself on every object you happen to pass to entertain exactly no one with, say some song Troll Judy Garland choked on her tongue in the middle of or some sassy old Broadway standard made famous by ANOTHER dead alcoholic crone."

In the back, Dave, who just walked up to witness this, muttered something to Karkat and they shared an uncomfortable look. Jane continued to stand there, glancing at Dirk, then to Vriska again. 

"Maybe Jake woke up one day and and said, 'You know what, I don't want to marry a sexless, self-centered, self-titled 'rapper''. Maybe I need someone who knows more than three dance moves," she said, adding, "the 'finger wag'", and wiggled her finger, "the 'shoulder shimmy'", and almost aggressively moved her shoulders back and forth, "and the one where you pretend to twirl two invisible rainbow-colored ribbons attached to your hips". At the last one she preceded to do a bad imitation and Dirk crossed his arms and looked behind him for someone to help him. 

Vriska finished, giving Dirk a look and said meanly, "So, you know what, maybe that's why it didn't work out. Maybe it has nothing to do with me and Terezi, maybe it has everything to do with that fact that you are utterly, utterly, intolerable. Maybe that has something to do with it."

With that, she spun on her heel and walked off, leaving behind Dirk, his eyes seeing the banner above Vriska's disappearing figure saying in red, bold letters, 'GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER'.


End file.
